Every single test (except those first two) tells me I�m pregnant. And not just a little pregnant � all of the home pregnancy tests I�ve done have screaming dark lines on them. No faint little, �Hey, is that a line there?� stuff going on in this household. I have a feeling if I peed on a pencil I�d see a line.

I saw my therapist today. We looked in the records � I�ve been seeing her since May 17, 2001. That�s some good history. She knows me pretty well. I was telling her about the stick-peeing frenzy and she said, �I have a feeling you might buy some more tests on the way home.�

�Good idea,� I said.

�Gee, I wonder if Costco sells them in bulk?� she joked.

�Good idea,� I said.

We laughed. No, I don�t need any more confirmation. Yes, I was a little pee-on-a-sick frenzied when I started seeing positives.

So my cautious optimism has been replaced by a swaggering smugness. This could be foolishness on my part � we won�t really know until Friday at 11:30am what the bloodwork shows � but I�m prepared to throw caution to the wind and say HOLY SHIT!

My doctor has told me several times that I am at �no more risk than a normal woman� for miscarriage or pregnancy problems. My infertility is related to the fact that I�m missing a tube � my hormones are pretty dandy, my uterus is apparently a happy place, and there�s not much going on (that we know of) that can trip this thing up.

I�ve never believed him � it�s been so hard to get to this point � but I think I�m going to err on the side of being sunny and think to myself, �I really have a shot this time.�

You know, I�ll certainly be disappointed if it doesn�t work this time. But I�m trying really hard not to let all of the past disappointments cloud my mood. It would be a shame if this pregnancy did work and I was too freaked out with worry and cynicism to enjoy it.

We aren�t, of course, going to tell most people anything until we see a heartbeat. I�m still having to play the, �Oh, no, you didn�t hear? Yeah, we lost that pregnancy� card every time I run into someone who we told about the last one. We won�t be making THAT mistake again.

My online friends know. My closest girlfriend in town knows. My mom knows. My therapist knows. That�s about it. We�re not even telling his parents (they never quite understood the whole IVF thing and they surely didn�t understand the tubal pregnancy stuff that happened last time).

So I have no news, really. Just typing away, trying to get my mind to calm down so I can get back to sleep. Writing this stuff at 3am. (So all of the references in this entry to �today� really mean yesterday � Wednesday).

Keep fingers crossed for me.