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"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart."

- Etty Hillesum

October 23, 2006

NOT ready for my close-up.

I got an email on Saturday night that my maternity photo proofs were ready for me to look at.

Blue and I were both sitting in bed, and we were both using our laptops to surf around for a while before bedtime.

I told him that he wasn�t allowed to look at my screen for �anniversary present reasons� (and then turned it so he couldn�t see it) and went to look at the photos.

And then I started crying.

And they were not tears of happiness and joy.

I was really disappointed by what I saw � I didn�t like most of the photos. And we did such a wide range of photos (several different outfits, some draping of a scarf without anything else on, some draping of other fabric, sitting, standing, lying down, etc �) I couldn�t even come close to deciding what kind of photo Blue might like.

He was trying hard not to pay attention to me crying until I said, �Um, I think I may need you to look at this, so you can help me decide.�

�Won�t that spoil the surprise?� He asked.

�Yes, but,� I sniffled and continued to cry. �I just don�t know. You have to look.�

So even though the idea was to give him a picture of me with my big belly before he leaves on his trip in a few weeks as a surprise, I showed him the pictures.

I�m really glad I did. First of all, he thought many of them were much better than I did. (Not surprising.) He also liked many of the ones that I emphatically did *not* like. And he didn�t like some that I did. But overall, he was delighted that I had done it.

He even recommended that I go back in a few weeks, when my stomach is �even bigger,� to have more pictures taken for him.

I think I�ll do that � I think I�ll go back and do more pictures. Now that I know what to expect, I think I can be certain that I like the outcomes better.

I still want to pick one photo from the first batch to give to Blue � and I�m still not sure which one that should be. I�ll figure that out today sometime, I guess.

Meanwhile, wow � the self-esteem took a little tumble over the weekend. I know this because yesterday I changed my shirt five times (dear God, I only have five long-sleeved casual maternity shirts, so I went through the whole dang cycle) before I thought I looked �good.� That kind of sucked, because, well, I have to wear the rest of those clothes � a lot � in the coming weeks. And I was reluctant to go look at the pictures again � I didn�t want to cry again. Honestly, I know I don�t take good pictures. When photos are candid they are the best. When I am posing and smiling, I mostly resemble Al Gore in his wooden days, only not quite so charming and photogenic. So I didn�t expect ALL of the photos to be good � but I had hopes that some of them would make ME happy. And really, most of them did not. SIGH!

I think next time I go, I�ll take my mom along with me. I need an extra person there trying to make me laugh and telling me to smile and helping the photographer find my best look du jour.

I�m glad that Blue liked the gesture and even some of the pictures. Now it�s time for ME to go back, do it again, and like the pictures for myself.


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Last Few Entries

Back? - November 10, 2007
Just a break. - June 19, 2007
Caddy day in the pool. - June 05, 2007
Sleep! And sleep, and sleep! - June 01, 2007
Happy days are here again ... - May 30, 2007

� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.�