��

"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart."

- Etty Hillesum

September 29, 2006

Needing a break.

It�s been a long week. And it�s not over. I�ve got clinical stuff to do all day today and half a day tomorrow (Saturday! The nerve! The outrage! Students having to do school stuff on a Saturday???).

I have seen too many people getting ready to die this week. I am honestly starting to look forward to taking a break from cancer when the baby comes.

I love my work. I love my patients. I love that I can help them through these tough times in their lives.

But right now, with a baby in my belly, I really want and need to be focusing on the beginning of life � not the end of it.

I sat through a meeting with a 37 year old breast cancer patient this week � it was her and her family members and members from our care team. She had passed the point of curative treatment (the cancer metastasized to her brain) and she was headed towards palliative (comfort) care. She�ll probably die within the next six months or so.

At one point the doctor asked her if she understood something (about an advanced directive) and she started to sob. �I don�t want my boys to grow up alone,� she wept. Her boys are five and seven years old.

It was all I could do not to cry, myself. I haven�t even formally met my baby yet but here we sat, talking with this mother about how sad and afraid she was to die and leave her boys.

It was then that I realized I probably need a break.

I need happy mommy groups and lots of little kids running around and the promise of a long, healthy future spread out in front of me. I need to know that Blue and I are going to be here on this earth for a long time, and that our daughter (and maybe other kids? If we�re lucky) will all grow old together.

I know this isn�t necessarily the plan � I see it every day. But that doesn�t matter. For now, I need to have that as the plan until life makes a change. I just need a break from death.

----------

29 weeks pregnant.

Happy times.

Our baby furniture came in � now we just have to arrange for delivery. Whee!

I bought a lovely diaper bag and a baby sling for myself � both pink. I needed to buy something pink!

----------

Next week isn�t such a long, drawn-out, awful week. I will have some time to play, and some time to rest � and a little time to work.

Honestly, I�m counting down the hours until Saturday afternoon when I can come home from clinical and take a nap.

But right now I�m going to jump in the shower, wake myself up, and get started on my day.

It�ll be okay. I�m tired, but it�ll be okay.

Previous - Next

Last Few Entries

Back? - November 10, 2007
Just a break. - June 19, 2007
Caddy day in the pool. - June 05, 2007
Sleep! And sleep, and sleep! - June 01, 2007
Happy days are here again ... - May 30, 2007

� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.�