I just haven�t been able to scrape any energy together.

I worked on Wednesday and Thursday of last week. Then I had family in town over the weekend. Then I worked today.

That was it. Those things took every ounce of energy I have had.

I can�t wait to crawl into bed tonight � I really just need to veg. I don�t seem to care that the chores aren�t getting done and the dogs aren�t getting walked and the journal isn�t getting entries.

I am 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant today. One of my coworkers (who has four kids) referred to the baby as a �parasite.� It made me laugh. Because it�s true � that little creature is just sucking the life force out of me right now.

On Thursday I go for my nuchal translucency screening. For those of you who haven�t had babies (or read about having babies) in the past five years or so, this is a pretty new screening device that allows them to check for Down�s and other genetic problems without the need for an amniocentesis. They use a combination of a blood test and an ultrasound to determine the relative risk ratio for the major genetic problems.

I�m not worried about the genetic stuff at all � as I said in a previous post, if I was making the decision solo (sans the husband), I wouldn�t do any genetic testing. Frankly, I�m not at risk and I don�t care what the tests say.

But what I am looking forward to is the ultrasound part � I haven�t seen the baby since we were 7w4d � it�s been a whole MONTH since I�ve gotten to see that critter! So I�m really excited about this test, because we get to take a peek inside.

I have no doubt that everything is fine with the baby � the fatigue, the food aversions � these are good things in my view. Plus my estradiol levels are so high I�m off supplements, and my progesterone is progressing enough that I�m off of the shots and was promoted to suppositories. Tomorrow I should be off of the suppositories (good lord willing and the creek don�t rise).

So I don�t have a burning desire to see the baby to make sure everything is okay � (talk about personal growth!). I have a burning desire to see the baby because I want to see the baby!

Today at work was tough. Three of my patients died � two over the weekend and one last night. One of the deaths was expected � we had just moved the patient to hospice and he went home to die. He was so happy to be home that he was able to just let go, which is what he and his family needed to happen.

The other two deaths were not quite so expected. One woman was relatively �fine� last week and then deteriorated over the past week. And the other one � well, he was stable on Sunday and then he just up and died yesterday.

Cancer blows.

If there�s one thing my job does for me more than anything else, it�s that being a cancer nurse allows me to get a really really wide perspective on life.

I get nearly daily reminders that life is too short and unpredictable for the day to day bullshit we all put ourselves through.

Anne Lamott wrote about it in one of her essays � she asked one of her friends if the outfit she was wearing made her look fat. The friend, terminally ill with cancer, replied, �You don�t have that kind of time.�

And it�s true. You don�t. And I�m thankful my patients keep reminding me of that. Because I don�t think I�d remember it on my own.

The powers that be at the university have decided that I can graduate early � if I take a pain in the ass class this Fall.

I�m peeved. I�m sure I�m not seeing the big picture, because I�m concerned about the little picture (me), but I have to say, my meeting with the honcho really ticked me off. It seemed to me that the whole thing was just a power trip for her. She waved her magic wand and waived one class (the one I was going to take this summer), but then decided I should take another class in order to graduate.

I smiled and was gracious and said, �Thank you,� when what I really wanted to say started with an F (and ended in �you�).

What was I supposed to do, argue? I don�t think so. You take what you�re given in a situation like that and be grateful. But damn, it�s so arbitrary and stupid and inconvenient. �Let�s make Lucy jump through just one more hoop.� Sigh.

I have been able to, for the most part, enjoy every class I�ve taken. (Ok, there have been a few exceptions, but really not very many.) Now that I�m stuck in this class I don�t want to take, I can guarantee you that no amount of trying will give me the attitude adjustment I�m going to need in order to NOT be annoyed with the class. It is destined to be a thorn in my third trimester side this fall. Gaaaaaaaaaah.

Maybe some distance (time) will make me feel better about it. I can only hope. If I have to deal with sixteen weeks of pulling teeth this Fall, it�s going to be a long sixteen weeks.