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"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart."

- Etty Hillesum

May 02, 2007

Resolution.

Had a nice long discussion with my OB yesterday. We talked about all of the problems I have been having, and she had some ideas for therapy and pain management, so it feels like the appointment was very worthwhile.

I was in tears for most of the appointment. Sadness, frustration, anger � I couldn�t hold any of it in. It all just came pouring out. Interestingly, and to her credit, my doctor cried with me at one point. She really wants to help me through this. And she pretty much confirmed my statement (without confirming it) that the doctor who did this to me at delivery screwed up. I dropped the M-bomb during the visit (�I think it was m@lpractice�) and she didn�t bat an eyelash.

I feel both better about that and worse. Better because I finally have confirmation that Something Bad happened. That it wasn�t just that my body couldn�t handle the delivery � the doctor did things he shouldn�t have done to get that baby out. Worse because, well, crapola. I�m the recipient of shoddy medical care and I�m kinda ruined for life, thanks. But now I have a focus for my anger, rather than simply having to vent it at The Universe.

So that�s the news about that.

Meanwhile, it is 6am and Baby Catnip is wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide awake. She�s been awake since 4:45, actually. She had three (!!) major poopy diapers in a row (normally she never poops at night, aren�t you glad you know this fact?), and after the third diaper change she was very bright-eyed and not gonna get back to sleep.

So we�re in the living room. Blue is sleeping peacefully. I am insanely jealous of this fact. Quite frankly, right now I wish I was the Daddy here and Blue was the Mommy. Then I could�ve skipped the whole damaged-at-delivery thing, the breastfeeding, the sleepless nights, and the fussy-filled days. I could go off on my little business trips and get Several Quality Nights of Sleep. I could leave the house without a baby attached. I could not worry about her care, because I know my wife is all over it. I could go do adult-centric work all day, have my ego stroked, and be fulfilled by my career. Then I could come home in the evenings, cuddle the baby for an hour, and hand her back to her mother for all of the routine parts of her care. I could watch TV while the baby is being nursed. I could read the paper. I could do some computing. And I could go to bed pretty much whenever I wanted, you know � not on some baby�s schedule. Oh, and did I mention my house would be cleaned for me, my laundry done, and most of my meals provided for me?

Well well well. Tell us how you really feel, Lucy!

No, I could wax poetic about the joys of motherhood for a paragraph twice as long as the one above. Really. But it goes without saying.

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Later this morning �

Baby Catnip and I just got back from a nice, hour-long walk around the neighborhood with the dogs. Truthfullly, I wasn�t in the mood for a walk. But BC needed a nap (see Lack of Sleep, above), and she always naps so nicely in the stroller. So I chucked her in the stroller and we did a niiiice power walk. She got about a 45-minute nap.

The �nanny� is coming in about half an hour. I have a physical therapy appointment in a few hours, so she will babysit BC while I am gone. It�s a nice arrangement, albeit a slightly expensive one. Everything costs more with the baby, that�s for sure. The service I use charges $15 an hour. Highway robbery for babysitting, if you ask me. Only $10 goes to the nanny � the other $5 goes to the service. So on top of that I always tip my sitter well, since this is her sole source of employment.

I also have to keep her here for a minimum of four hours, even though I only need her for two. That�s okay � I�ll get some chores done while she�s keeping BC entertained. That�ll be good. Laundry and clean the kitchen floor and maybe a few other things before I send her home.

Tonight I hope to relax a bit � perhaps another walk around the neighborhood, a quiet dinner, and an early bedtime for Baby Catnip.

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Last Few Entries

Back? - November 10, 2007
Just a break. - June 19, 2007
Caddy day in the pool. - June 05, 2007
Sleep! And sleep, and sleep! - June 01, 2007
Happy days are here again ... - May 30, 2007

� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.�