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"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart."

- Etty Hillesum

March 10, 2007

Another bitchy update.

After another crying jag associated with me just not feeling very physically healthy, I told Blue I needed help. �Ten hours a week. A nanny,� I said.

�Whatever you need. You�ve been doing so great, and I�m sorry you�re not feeling better yet.�

Whew.

I�ve never felt like such a failure as I do right now. I jumped through eleventy hoops to conceive and give birth to this baby, and now I can�t even take care of her!

Okay, that�s an overstatement. I can take care of her just fine. She�s healthy. She�s exclusively breastfed. She gets her diapers changed at the slightest hint of a need. She has toys she loves. She�s developing appropriately. She smiles. She�s happy. She�s fine.

I, on the other hand, am a wreck. The incontinence, the perineal pain, the low back pain, and the lack of sleep have me close to basket-case status. I cry at least once a day because I am so exhausted.

Blue was out of town this week and I felt like I barely survived. I didn�t have anyone to hand the baby to so I could do the household stuff (feed myself, take care of the dogs and cats, do laundry and dishes). It was tough. To his credit, Blue sent me a HUGE bouquet of flowers, a box of candy, a bunch of balloons and a little stuffed critter to let me know he was thinking of us. The flowers and candy � a total hit for me. The stuffed critter and balloons �a total hit for Baby Catnip. She can spend an hour watching the balloons bounce around And she loves to suck on the stuffed critter�s ear.

My childrearing self-esteem has definitely taken a hit. My ego is redefining itself. This is probably a good thing. I went from, �Ho ho ho, I have two Master�s degrees, I can do anything, raising a baby will be a fun piece of cake,� to �Help me!�

I�m sure that I�d be singing a different tune without the pain and whatnot. I�d still be tired and harried and haggard, but I�d be NORMALLY so. At least, that�s what I tell myself.

Have I mentioned that the dogs are acting out? One of the pees on the carpet every day (despite being crated at night and let out every two hours at a minimum). The other one has started destroying the miniblinds in our living room.

So their response to the stress is � well, stressing me out more.

I�ve never been so close to wanting to get rid of my animals in my life. My animals have always been so dear to me. Yet now � I just want them GONE so I don�t have to think about them. I have no resources left with which to deal with the dogs and cats. None.

So there. I�m doing a mental number on myself (�You�re not good enough, you�re a bad mother, blah blah blah�) while feeling bad. I�m waiting for surgery to hopefully be fixed. And I�m going to look into hiring a part-time nanny so I can catch a little rest.

This is why I haven�t updated recently. I want to be able to say happier things here. I want to be able to take my journal back to the way it used to be (well, maybe not catniptea, but my previous journals). I want to have enough energy to enjoy life, and write about it.

Motherhood has definitely knocked me on my ass. In mostly good ways. But I really do look forward to feeling physically better so I can enjoy this baby more. Seriously.

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Demeter - I'd comment in your blog but I don't have a google account so I can't. But I want you to know I think you are amazing ... I was a "single mom" for three days and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. You are such an inspiration with Yael. Really. I love reading your blog.

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Last Few Entries

Back? - November 10, 2007
Just a break. - June 19, 2007
Caddy day in the pool. - June 05, 2007
Sleep! And sleep, and sleep! - June 01, 2007
Happy days are here again ... - May 30, 2007

� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.�