Saw my OB this week.

I spent most of the appointment in tears. I think I saved up most of the anger and sadness until this appointment, so when she walked into the room I pretty much started tearing up and cried until the end.

She referred me to physical therapy, and she gave me several names of colo-rectal surgeons to choose from.

I�m glad and I�m not glad to be moving on to the next stage of treatment. Glad because that means I�m closer to having the problem fixed. Not glad because honestly, who wants to focus on their incontinence issues? Not me, really. The last thing I want to do is go talk to more strangers about the fact that I don�t have control over my bowels.

When it comes to talking about these issues, I�m pretty good, really, in a clinical setting. I can be pretty straightforward with my doctors and not get too emotional and I can use all the right words and have an intelligent discussion about things.

At home I�m more of a wreck � I�m embarrassed! I don�t want to talk about it with my husband, really � partly because I don�t want to remind him of what I�m going through, and partly because I�m just horrified about the whole deal. I hate that I don�t have control of things. I hate that there are times where I have to take a break from whatever I�m doing to go clean myself up. I hate that I get nervous when I�m too far away from a familiar bathroom. I hate that my gassiness (is that even a word?) is so � evident.

Forget about the urinary incontinence � that doesn�t even bother me in the slightest. Isn�t that funny? It�s all perspective, I guess.

Anyway, I called and got a PT appointment for next week. That�ll be fun. I believe it entails both anal and vaginal probes, biofeedback, and other fun exercises. Good times.

I have yet to call the surgeon � I can only deal for so long at a time before I need a break.

I�m having a small issue with the baby �

She won�t take a bottle.

It�s weird, because I introduced a bottle at three weeks and she took it just fine. I gave her a few bottles, Blue gave her a few, and even my mom was able to give her a bottle and she totally guzzled the milk down.

Now, all of a sudden, she refuses the bottle. She doesn�t want ANYTHING to do with it. She cries and cries as if we�re killing her, and the only thing that will calm her down is to put her on the breast.

I�ve tried several different bottles/nipples. I�ve tried a few different holds. I�ve tried various times of the day. No luck.

The one thing I was doing that I recently learned was bad was that I was waiting until she was hungry to introduce the bottle. Apparently that can be really frustrating for infants. (The rationale I read was this: imagine that you learned to eat with a spoon and have been eating with a spoon since day one � and then one day, when you�re really hungry, someone hands you your meal with a set of chopsticks and expects you to eat it. That�d piss you off!) So I�m now trying bottles while she�s not starving to see if that makes a difference.

I�m a little anxious about this afternoon � I have a hair appointment and will be gone for about 3 and a half hours. I�m going to feed her right before I go, and I�m going to leave a bottle of freshly expressed breast milk � but God only knows if she�ll eat it while I�m gone. (That�s the only thing I haven�t tried � removing the breasts from the premises and letting someone else take over completely.)

This is my first time to be away for a feeding � so I am worried about how it�s going to go.

Good luck, Blue!

As long as I am not in the house to hear her screams, I�ll be fine. I hope Blue does okay, and I hope the baby doesn�t cry too much � fingers are crossed.