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"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart."

- Etty Hillesum

January 31, 2006

Schadenfreude.

A weekend in Vegas did a wonder for the babyless blues.

Blue and I had more fun together just being our goofy selves than we had allowed ourselves in a long time. We saw a show, we took a helicopter trip into the Grand Canyon, we ate at some might fine restaurants, we drank a lot, and we gambled quite a bit.

Two thumbs up on the weekend of debauchery.

Every so often, I even felt healed enough that I could think, �Well lucky me, making lemonade out of infertile lemons � if we were pregnant I wouldn�t be able to booze it up and suck in all of this fabulous secondhand smoke!�

I am still, unfortunately, having some residual pain. Not from the incision sites, although those are sore � I am having weirdo pain from the spot in my abdomen where he removed the pregnancy. I don�t know what it is that is making that area twingey, but every few hours I get a little stabbing pain in my abdomen.

What a shitty way to be reminded of the loss of the pregnancy.

Yes, it makes me grumpy. Thank goodness for the Vicodin. Takes the pain away and takes the edge off, emotionally. I can see why people could get addicted to pain meds. I know enough not to do so myself � but still. I see the potential.

----------

So I talked to my nurse on Friday. My hCG level is at 2. That is, for all intents and purposes, zero.

So as soon as I get my period (�any day now,� the nurse reassured me, �it should start now that you�re negative�), I�ll do three weeks of birth control pills (oh, the irony), then I�ll start taking estrogen, and then at the right point in my cycle, we�ll pop a few frozen embryos in the uterus and pray they don�t do the same freakish two-step boogie up my fallopian tube-cum-discotheque that their unfortunate brother or sister did last time.

Thing is, I just had a period-type bleed. Two days after my methotrexate shot I started cramping and bleeding bigtime. Then I had a D&C (that�s a �Dustin� and Cleanin�� don�tchaknow) � and they use some sort of horrid shop-vac and just suck out all of the contents of your uterus �

So if I just bled and had my innards shop-vacced out, what on earth am I supposed to be bleeding this week?

It�s a mystery to me.

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I�m zonked. I�m going to cuddle up with my heating pad, snooze for the next nine hours, and then get up and go take care of people who are way worse-off than I am, health wise. If working with my cancer patients doesn�t make me count my blessings, I don�t know what would. It�s not really schadenfreude � but it makes me think of the song from the Broadway hit/dirty puppet show Avenue Q.

GARY COLEMAN:
Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy

NICKY:
I'll say.

GARY COLEMAN:
And when I see how sad you are
It sort of makes me...
Happy!

NICKY:
Happy?!

GARY COLEMAN:
Sorry, Nicky, human nature-
Nothing I can do!
It's...
Schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad that I'm not you.

NICKY:
Well that's not very nice, Gary!

GARY COLEMAN:
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!

D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?

NICKY:
Yeah...

GARY COLEMAN:
And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?

NICKY:
Sure!

GARY COLEMAN:
And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy,
Watching people out in the rain!

NICKY:
You bet!

GARY COLEMAN:
That's...

GARY AND NICKY:
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN:
People taking pleasure in your pain!

NICKY:
Oh, Schadenfreude, huh?
What's that, some kinda Nazi word?

GARY COLEMAN:
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"

NICKY:
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is German!

Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken

GARY COLEMAN:
Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in!

NICKY:
Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"

GARY AND NICKY:
"No!!!"
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN:
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

NICKY:
Ooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?

GARY COLEMAN:
Exes getting STDs!

NICKY:
Waking doormen from their naps!

GARY COLEMAN:
Watching tourists reading maps!

NICKY:
Football players getting tackled!

GARY COLEMAN:
CEOs getting shackled!

NICKY:
Watching actors never reach

GARY AND NICKY:
The ending of their oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN:
The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great.

NICKY:
Sure!
We provide a vital service to society!

GARY AND NICKY:
You and me!
Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
To be!

GARY COLEMAN:
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!

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Last Few Entries

Back? - November 10, 2007
Just a break. - June 19, 2007
Caddy day in the pool. - June 05, 2007
Sleep! And sleep, and sleep! - June 01, 2007
Happy days are here again ... - May 30, 2007

� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.�