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"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart." | ||
- Etty Hillesum |
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January 05, 2007 |
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Fussy. |
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Well well well. Here I sit. Or, should I say, sitz. That�s right. I�m blogging from the sitz bath. I�m still supposed to be doing four of these a day. FOUR! I swear I get a good belly laugh every time I think of the fact that I�m supposed to sit on a small tub of water for twenty minutes at a stretch, FOUR times a day. With a fussy baby who needs me all the time right now. Yeah, I�ll just set her down and sit on the sitz. Hmm. So I haven�t been sitzing regularly, even though I really, really should. Because when it comes to my needs versus my daughter�s needs � well, she comes in at number one. Then the husband�s needs come second. Then the household, including the dogs and cats. Then � waaaaaaay back at the end of the line � then my needs can be met. So I rescued twenty minutes for myself (the baby is sleeping, it�s a miracle) and I�m sitzing. Last night was perhaps our worst night since she�s been home. She didn�t want to sleep. She didn�t want to eat. She didn�t want to sit quietly. All she wanted to do was fuss. Cry. Fuss some more. Be cranky. And then be fussy again. I nursed her for the umpteenth time at about 2:45am � and then I gently laid her down between myself and Blue. (Yes, I will let her sleep in the bed if that�s the only way she�ll sleep. All of my best laid plans of her in her own crib are out the window.) The second her head hit the mattress she started fussing. Blue woke up. �What�s wrong?� I lost it. �I don�t know. I don�t know what�s wrong. I don�t know what she needs. I.just.don�t.know.� I started to cry. �Whoa whoa whoa,� Blue said. �I got her.� And he picked her up, went to the rocker, and told me to go to sleep. I slept. For three straight hours. And when I woke up � Blue was STILL in the rocker with her. Bless him. She stayed fussy nearly the whole time. Don�t know why. Growth spurt? Just hates her mother? (kidding) Who knows. She�s been a bit better today � not quite as fussy, but still pretty fussy. I have a feeling tonight is going to be another long night. I called for a refill on my Vicodin yesterday. I�m not taking as much of it, but I have a real fear of running out and still needing it � especially when a weekend is coming. My OB�s nurse called today to check on me to see how I was doing. I started to sob on the phone. I apologized � �I�m trying not to think about it too much,� I said. �So when I do think about it I cry.� She was awesome. She was sooooo nurse-y. She seriously made me proud that I am a nurse myself. She let me cry. She told me it was okay to cry � she said that of course I�m upset that I�m incontinent. She didn�t talk down to me, didn�t lie to me � she just comforted me. It was nice to be able to cry on someone about this. Blue took good care of me when the problem first reared its ugly head � you know you�ve got a gem of a husband when he drops everything at 10pm to run to the store and buy you some Depends because you don�t know what else to do. I cried on Blue the first few days. Then I toughed it out. I don�t know if I�m trying to protect him, or me � or both. I have this huge fear that if I let it become part of our consciousness, he�ll stop seeing me as a sexual creature. It�s already hard enough to be a sexy wife when you�ve just passed a bowling ball � but then to add bowel incontinence to the mix is � well, it�s not pretty. And I just � I�m so afraid of this causing a long-term problem for us in the intimacy department. I�m probably selling him way short. He�s wise, and understanding, and he loves me so much. He can probably deal with this problem very well and ultimately not have any issues. But I don�t know that � and I�m scared. So I simply try not to think about it. I try not to make a big deal about it. And apart from asking me how I�m doing (he�s so sweet), we don�t talk about it. So it was kind of nice, in a weird sort of way, to just lose it on my nurse on the phone and just sob. She reminded me that if the problem does persist past my swelling/healing period that it is very very likely fixable by a GI surgeon. (�Yeah, but I�ve had so much pain for so long now � the very thought of letting anyone else touch me let alone do surgery down there is really freaking me out!�) But it is good to remember that it is probably not permanent. Aaah. Feeling better now that my sitz is drawing to a close. The water is cooling down, so that means it�s time for me to get off the bath and get on with the rest of my evening. This was a great idea, blogging from the sitz. Perhaps I�ll do it again tomorrow. I might even be able to take a 20-minute catnap before my cute baby wakes up and starts fussing for the night.
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Last Few Entries |
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Back? - November 10, 2007 |
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� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.� |
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