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"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart."

- Etty Hillesum

January 05, 2007

Fussy.

Well well well.

Here I sit.

Or, should I say, sitz.

That�s right. I�m blogging from the sitz bath.

I�m still supposed to be doing four of these a day. FOUR! I swear I get a good belly laugh every time I think of the fact that I�m supposed to sit on a small tub of water for twenty minutes at a stretch, FOUR times a day.

With a fussy baby who needs me all the time right now.

Yeah, I�ll just set her down and sit on the sitz.

Hmm.

So I haven�t been sitzing regularly, even though I really, really should. Because when it comes to my needs versus my daughter�s needs � well, she comes in at number one. Then the husband�s needs come second. Then the household, including the dogs and cats. Then � waaaaaaay back at the end of the line � then my needs can be met.

So I rescued twenty minutes for myself (the baby is sleeping, it�s a miracle) and I�m sitzing.

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Last night was perhaps our worst night since she�s been home.

She didn�t want to sleep. She didn�t want to eat. She didn�t want to sit quietly. All she wanted to do was fuss. Cry. Fuss some more. Be cranky. And then be fussy again.

I nursed her for the umpteenth time at about 2:45am � and then I gently laid her down between myself and Blue. (Yes, I will let her sleep in the bed if that�s the only way she�ll sleep. All of my best laid plans of her in her own crib are out the window.)

The second her head hit the mattress she started fussing.

Blue woke up. �What�s wrong?�

I lost it. �I don�t know. I don�t know what�s wrong. I don�t know what she needs. I.just.don�t.know.� I started to cry.

�Whoa whoa whoa,� Blue said. �I got her.�

And he picked her up, went to the rocker, and told me to go to sleep.

I slept. For three straight hours. And when I woke up � Blue was STILL in the rocker with her.

Bless him.

She stayed fussy nearly the whole time.

Don�t know why. Growth spurt? Just hates her mother? (kidding) Who knows.

She�s been a bit better today � not quite as fussy, but still pretty fussy. I have a feeling tonight is going to be another long night.

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I called for a refill on my Vicodin yesterday. I�m not taking as much of it, but I have a real fear of running out and still needing it � especially when a weekend is coming.

My OB�s nurse called today to check on me to see how I was doing.

I started to sob on the phone. I apologized � �I�m trying not to think about it too much,� I said. �So when I do think about it I cry.�

She was awesome. She was sooooo nurse-y. She seriously made me proud that I am a nurse myself. She let me cry. She told me it was okay to cry � she said that of course I�m upset that I�m incontinent. She didn�t talk down to me, didn�t lie to me � she just comforted me.

It was nice to be able to cry on someone about this. Blue took good care of me when the problem first reared its ugly head � you know you�ve got a gem of a husband when he drops everything at 10pm to run to the store and buy you some Depends because you don�t know what else to do.

I cried on Blue the first few days. Then I toughed it out. I don�t know if I�m trying to protect him, or me � or both.

I have this huge fear that if I let it become part of our consciousness, he�ll stop seeing me as a sexual creature. It�s already hard enough to be a sexy wife when you�ve just passed a bowling ball � but then to add bowel incontinence to the mix is � well, it�s not pretty.

And I just � I�m so afraid of this causing a long-term problem for us in the intimacy department.

I�m probably selling him way short. He�s wise, and understanding, and he loves me so much. He can probably deal with this problem very well and ultimately not have any issues.

But I don�t know that � and I�m scared.

So I simply try not to think about it. I try not to make a big deal about it. And apart from asking me how I�m doing (he�s so sweet), we don�t talk about it.

So it was kind of nice, in a weird sort of way, to just lose it on my nurse on the phone and just sob.

She reminded me that if the problem does persist past my swelling/healing period that it is very very likely fixable by a GI surgeon. (�Yeah, but I�ve had so much pain for so long now � the very thought of letting anyone else touch me let alone do surgery down there is really freaking me out!�) But it is good to remember that it is probably not permanent.

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Aaah. Feeling better now that my sitz is drawing to a close. The water is cooling down, so that means it�s time for me to get off the bath and get on with the rest of my evening.

This was a great idea, blogging from the sitz. Perhaps I�ll do it again tomorrow.

I might even be able to take a 20-minute catnap before my cute baby wakes up and starts fussing for the night.

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Last Few Entries

Back? - November 10, 2007
Just a break. - June 19, 2007
Caddy day in the pool. - June 05, 2007
Sleep! And sleep, and sleep! - June 01, 2007
Happy days are here again ... - May 30, 2007

� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.�