No, I�m not talking about my boobs.

I�m talking about all of the breast cancer patients I saw today.

I touched more boobs before 9am than most people touch all day! I think I did six breast exams today. That�s twelve boobs. Well, to be more accurate, that�s ten boobs and two non-reconstructed mastectomy sites. That�s still a lot of boobs.

Whew.

One thing I�m learning about being a nurse practitioner (although I am still a student) is that the higher up the food chain you are, the more blame you get from the patients. Even if, and maybe even especially if, you had nothing to do with the problem.

I made two patients cry today. But before you think I�m an awful person, all I did was deliver the news to them that they couldn�t have their chemotherapy because their white blood counts were too low. I didn�t cause that to happen � previous rounds of chemo did that. Plus I had to check things out with my NP buddy before I even delivered the news � because although it�s an easy decision to make, it still needs the NP stamp of approval. But the patients were mad at ME! They were shooting the messenger! That was really rough.

One of my patients said to me, �I just don�t know if I can trust you guys anymore.� (�You guys� = doctors and NPs.) I knew where she was coming from � she has had some bad complications of chemotherapy and seems to be on the wrong side of the statistics continually. (Kind of like an infertile who keeps not getting pregnant or miscarrying for whatever reasons � you stop trusting the doctors and the system, and you think, �Man, I think I�m being screwed here. Maybe they�re screwing up. Maybe they�re missing things.�)

I get that. I totally get it. The problem is that in this particular woman�s case � she has really just had some incredibly bad luck. She had some pretty rare complications to her chemo and she�s been miserable. And so now she doesn�t trust her healthcare team, even though we�ve done everything right, we�re taking great care of her, and we�re getting her cancer under control.

Officially, I�ve seen it from both the patient side and the practitioner side.

But it doesn�t make it easier to be on either side. Especially the practitioner side. Especially when I know I�m doing everything I can.

Ugh.

So it�s no wonder that I�m exhausted, right? All of those boobs � that�s enough to tucker a gal right out.

I was going to try and go get my massage tomorrow before the baby furniture is delivered. Then I realized that I would have to get out of bed, get moving, get showered, get to the place, yada yada yada �

I think I�d rather just sleep in and take it easy and skip the massage.

That sounds lovely. Sleep in. Take it easy. Mmmmmmm.

In other news, the Prevacid is working! My reflux is already a thing of the past. I LOVE MEDICINE! Whee!