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"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart."

- Etty Hillesum

April 28, 2007

Hitting bottom, I hope.

Today was a bad day.

Baby Catnip didn�t sleep well last night, and then she was up for good at about 6:30am. She refused to nap for most of the day, and just squawked at me and barked at me no matter what I did to try and keep her entertained.

We went to the store this morning and got some new toys. That kept us both entertained for about 45 minutes. I tried desperately to get her to nap several times, to no avail.

At about 1pm, I put her in her swing. She sat in it quietly for about 30 minutes. Halleluia! I used that time to take a cat nap on the couch � I was wiped out. Plus I felt a little fever coming on and am freaking out that I�m coming down with something. I am so worn out that it seriously took all of my energy to go get two Tylenol and a can of Coke to wash them down.

At 3:30pm I took her to the park � I figured she could bark at me with different scenery. She played quietly with me for about half an hour, then started getting cranky. I packed her back into the car for the two-minute ride home. I pulled into the garage and opened her door � and she was sound asleep!

So I did what any sane person would do � I got back in the freaking car and I drove around aimlessly for over an hour, just to keep her sleeping!

Seriously.

I called my friend Jen and we caught up for about half an hour. She asked me how things were going and I told her pretty much what I�ve talked about here over the past few months. She said some lovely things to me that made me feel all warm and cozy inside � including (and I quote), �You�re a great Mom. I wish you had been my Mom.�

Wow.

I needed to hear something like that, after the lack of gratification of parenting today.

This is HARD. Being a Mom of a fussy, fussy child is HARD. I seriously have moments when I wish I hadn�t had a child. I�m exhausted to the core of my being. I am still in constant pain from that damned delivery. And I�m tired of being yelled at by my child.

I love her to death. She has moments of sweetness that make me melt. And her fussiness is getting better as she gets older. I know she won�t be this way forever (although when the days feel as long as today, I start second-guessing even that!). I really love being a mom. But ugh, this is hard, and I feel so alone and isolated. Blue owns his own company and is working his ass off these days. We see each other in passing, it seems like. I hate that our relationship is so changed right now. I�m trying to roll with the change (�we�re a new kind of family now!�) and not resent the baby for taking away my time with Blue.

My back was hurting particularly badly today � I think that made it worse. I keep saying that if I could just get past the pain from all of the delivery trauma, I�d have more reserves to deal with my fussy child. I have moments of despair when I wonder if I�ll ever truly be pain-free � will I have this lower back pain forever? Will I have pain when I sit down forever? Will I ever ride a bicycle again? (Don�t laugh. I offered to let my Mom borrow my spinning bike � I can�t even FATHOM sitting on that little seat for at least six months to a year from now, if then.) I can�t wait until Baby Catnip is old enough so that we can get her a pony � (and me, too!) � but will I really ever be able to ride a horse again?

I�m freaked out about this pain. I�ve seen what chronic pain can do to people. It can really fuck you up. It goes hand-in-hand with depression, and I�ve seen how it can ruin marriages. I don�t want to be that girl who always has pain. I don�t want to be the Mom who can�t walk her kid around the block trick-or-treating, because she�s in pain. And in my darkest times, I worry that I�ll never get better. Forget for a moment ever having a normal sex life, or giving birth vaginally again � ha! Just the pain of every day living right now is wearing me down.

I see my OB on Tuesday. I�m due for my yearly exam (there�s a belly laugh for ya) and pap. Jesus, it seems I�ve spread my legs for more doctors and physical therapists over the past four months than I have in my entire life, and that�s including all of the fertility treatments for almost 2 years. You�d think someone could�ve just done a quick pap while they were all spelunking in there. I�m having some anxiety about seeing her � because I have to address all of these issues. The pain. The fear and worry. Not to mention the cold sweat I break into when I imagine bumping into her partner � the one that did all of this freaking damage to begin with.

Whew. I feel better getting that all out there.

I�m going to try and go to bed now. It�s early and I�d almost rather be doing stuff around the house � stuff I can�t do because I have to be Baby Catnip�s constant dog and pony show while she�s awake. But I�m exhausted. So I�m going to try and sleep. Tomorrow is going to be another long day, and I need to get my rest.

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Last Few Entries

Back? - November 10, 2007
Just a break. - June 19, 2007
Caddy day in the pool. - June 05, 2007
Sleep! And sleep, and sleep! - June 01, 2007
Happy days are here again ... - May 30, 2007

� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.�