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"In this tempestuous, havoc-ridden world of ours, all real communication comes from the heart."

- Etty Hillesum

February 10, 2006

Things you don't need to know about your surgery.

I was a bit sneaky today at work: I used my nursing internet access to the local hospital records to retrieve all of my notes, labs, pathology and surgical reports from my infertility ordeal. I was especially interested to read the laparoscopy/D&C note from last month.

Fascinating. You read things you never wanted to know about your procedures. Starting with the sentence, �After the patient was adequately anesthetized, she was placed in the lithotomy position and a foley catheter was placed using sterile technique.�

I paused after reading this sentence (translation: �After we knocked her out (hopefully), we spread her limp, naked body out, put her feet into the stirrups, and shoved a big freaking tube into her bladder.�), thinking, �Do I really want to know what they did to me?�

Yeah, I did. I�m sick that way. I read every juicy word � about my tube, my uterus, the supposed �products of conception� they found � it was fascinating.

I love my doctor � not only is he totally attentive and proactive and aggressive in my care, I can tell from his clinical transcripts that he is a really sharp fellow and really thorough in his work. He may push a lot of patients through the system during the day, but he pays attention to us. We aren�t just numbers.

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Speaking of numbers, my husband and I were talking about how much money Dr. Cutie makes. Put it this way � it costs $180 each time they do an ultrasound. The machine costs about $50K. Given the number of patients he and his partners see in a day, they paid off the machine in less than a week with just simple ultrasound procedures. That�s more than $50K a week in gravy, just from that aspect of care.

Phenomenal.

Fascinating.

But you know what? He deserves every penny. The whole medical team works their collective asses off � the office is literally open for business 365 days a year. I�ve seen him every day of the week, including several lengthy procedures on weekends.

I guarantee you I�d never want to work that hard at anything, ever.

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Today was one of those days that suck the emotional life out of you when you�re procreationally challenged.

I�m a nurse, working on my master�s degree in nursing. I�ll be a nurse practitioner � very nifty stuff. A higher level of patient care than the typical Nurse Bedpan stuff � but nothing so chock full of responsibility that many lives will hang in the balance daily. A nice mix.

Only one of the docs I work with is female � she is exactly my age. Sometimes this bums me out because, er, I made the decision not to go to medical school fifteen years ago because I�m fundamentally lazy. Yet here I am, working on my second master�s degree, ending up spending more time in school than I would have to become a doctor.

This woman kicks me around, because I am a nurse and she�s a doc. I get it. I don�t like it, and actually I don�t want to be a doctor, even today � (see �lazy,� above) � but I still get chapped from time to time. There�s an underlying current of, �I�m better than you,� that some doctors have towards nurses that is simply wrong. You know more than me about this stuff, yes. Smarter? Maybe, but not likely. Happier? I dunno. Nicer? Definitely not. And there are a lot of really stupid, incompetent nurses. I don�t defend all of them � but you know, it�s pretty easy to tell the wheat from the chaff, and act accordingly.

So here she is, with one kid at home and one on the way. I could be her (except for the pregnancy part, right). Interestingly, she�s married to another doctor .. so kid #1 spends a great deal of time with the nanny and in daycare. Kid #2 will get eight weeks of Dr. Mom�s time and then it�s off to the nanny for the grub.

Today was Dr. Mom�s last day at work � tomorrow is her scheduled induction. So of course there was a party, cake, lots of pregnancy stuff going on. Everyone�s happy for her, of course.

I was mostly happy for her. Jealous, sure. But I don�t begrudge every other pregnant person�s right to be doing what they�re doing, just because I can�t. That�s silly and an exercise in total futility. Talk about a way to pointlessly drag your spirits through the sewer.

Anyway, I was fine. Then I heard her say, �I want this thing out of me right now,� in an exasperated tone. I became a wee bit annoyed. I resisted the urge to reply, �Why, so you can put it in daycare and get back to work?� And I know of course, that if I were lucky enough to be in her position, I�d probably feel the same way about the pregnancy (�is it over yet?�). But I�m not, I don�t have that perspective.

I have the perspective of a woman who has tried any number of things to get pregnant, including more than $20,000 worth of invasive, horrible, awful procedures, only to have them culminate in a pregnancy that had to be terminated three ways to be sure the damned thing was good and dead.

So when she started having contractions in front of my desk and complaining about them � oh, I tell you, it was all I could do to keep from shoving her face into the �congratulations� cake.

Not a banner day. I managed to finish up without assaulting any pregnant ladies, I�m pleased to report. But just barely.


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Last Few Entries

Back? - November 10, 2007
Just a break. - June 19, 2007
Caddy day in the pool. - June 05, 2007
Sleep! And sleep, and sleep! - June 01, 2007
Happy days are here again ... - May 30, 2007

� More about Etty Hillesum, the woman in the photo.�