What a rotten month it has been. Well, rotten except for the two days that I knew I was pregnant, before I knew there were any problems. Two of the best days ever � rivaling the day my husband proposed to me and my wedding day. Until the other shoe dropped and the happiness turned to panic, denial, anger, sadness, and grief.

We�ve been trying since October of 2004 to have a baby. Well, trying is pretty strong language for those first two months. They were more like, �Hey, let�s just go off the pill and see what happens!�

I don�t know about you, but I was raised Catholic. I was certain that the first time that sperm swam unhindered, I�d get knocked up. I had the fear of God in me for thirty one years � can�t get pregnant, not ready to be pregnant, can�t get pregnant � and that�s a hard habit to break.

Boy was I surprised when I kept not getting pregnant. After a few months of not really trying either way, we figured it was time to start really trying. You know, ovulation predictor kits, timed sex � definitive action.

Still nothing. So it was time to see the doctor. (My gynecologist had oh-so-kindly counseled me when I turned thirty that should I ever try and fail to get pregnant for more than six months, at my age, you know � since I�m past my prime � that I should hightail it in to see her for an evaluation.)

Come April of 2005, we found out I had a blocked fallopian tube. (�I�ve never even used the things, how could one be blocked?�) So off we went to the specialist. In one quick step we went from normal newlyweds trying to conceive to infertility patients at a reproductive endocrinologist�s office.

Surgery in July of 2005 showed a ruptured tube � with no hope for salvage. So the tube was removed and I was left running on one cylinder.

In September of 2005, we started our first assisted reproductive procedure � follicle stimulation (grow some extra eggs) with intra-uterine insemination. Easy enough � I injected myself daily with hormones, my husband provided two �samples,� and we waited.

For nothing.

We had to sit on the sidelines during the month of October � growing extra eggs means you end up with cysts, which need time (and, ironically, birth control pills) to get rid of them. So in November we started cycle 2 of insemination � except my body wasn�t cooperating. All of the eggs that were growing were growing on the wrong side. (One tube, two ovaries. The ovary without the tube was an overachiever, producing several large follicles. The ovary with the tube � not so much.) So we had to cancel the cycle. Back on birth control (proof that the universe has a sense of humor. Can�t conceive? Part of your treatment will involve � birth control pills!).

�We�re wasting a lot of good eggs,� the doctor said. �You�re perfect candidates for in-vitro fertilization.�

So with a few weeks off and a lot of thought, we decided to go for it.

At the beginning of December we began the cycle.